Day 148: I have never been a good student. Is it too late?

Arvydas

There is definitely some kind of study barrier/barriers within me, which has become almost a constant state of being with only occasional gaps of clarity and actual enjoyment within the material I am studying. One of the problems was this constant bragging to people about what I was doing where within that I was making my reality more than it is and in this creating the gap between actual reality and mind reality created reality. So making my imaginary reality so much more than it is I found it very difficult to in any way match my actual situation and thus would go into hopelessness and giving up. Since I have written about this point in one of my previous blogs and already started applying correction I can sense some improvement where basically I am returning to my actual reality and seeing where I actually stand

Still having this point cleared there is another stone lying on my way which I am busy identifying where within that I would be able to remove it and get to my studies in full effectiveness not wasting any more time.

I will start with my usual experience when approaching my studies:

Backchat

This will take me a long time

There is no way I can learn all this information

I have to do this or I will never finish the school

I don’t have enough time for this

I have to shut down my mind in order to study effectively

Imagination

I see myself in the future being all learned where I know all the answers (positive)

I see myself prescribing people medicines where they immediately get better (positive)

I know all the applications of medicines and can immediately see who needs what (positive)

I see myself quitting my current job and working as homeopath fully being able to sustain myself within this (positive)

I see myself getting old and never actually committing myself to finish the study and apply in practice (negative)

Reactions

Hopelessness

Inferiority

Anxiety

Uselessness

Overwhelmingness

Physical Behavior

Tiredness

Tension in the shoulders and upper back

Heavy/strained/itchy eyes

Looking for other activities

Playing with my lips and fingers

Scratching my eyelids

Consequence

Holding onto the past and projecting this past into the future, where I am trying in my mind to correct my future through knowing myself as the past. Within this there are no actual practical actions involved but a only mind job where I am trying to get out of from the underlying negative experience into self-created positive. Within this not realizing that all the movement is happening only in mymind and has no practical value in my actual reality. Still no matter how hard I am trying to turn my reality into a positive experience I end up within the negative as this is actual reality that I live in the physical – no real action is taken.

to be continued