Day 160: My Name spoken – memory of school

Here I will start a blog series investigating my name and how by hearing my name throughout my life in various situation I have been reacting to my name thus activating different states of being within me, how different personalities were emerging – just through the tonalities of how my name was spoken.

Surely the most origination points come from childhood years where I was still in the process of learning about the world and about myself, where I was like a sponge absorbing each sound trying to understand what these sound mean and who I am in relation to them. That’s where I developed energetic relationships to various name callings and tonalities thereof.

School

I’ll start with what I can remember, of course. The memory isn’t very clear but still I can see that most stressful time when hearing my name was at school. It’s the “calling out” tonality spoken by teachers, very formal, not personal – mostly in relation to some testing of the learned material, homework, and similar. The stress comes because of the fact that I wasn’t very friendly with homework and learning in general and thus I was hardly ever prepared for any class. Even though I was an active child in the class, but when it came to study material I would just dive in, sit still and hope that I will not be called out. Of course that couldn’t be avoided and from time to time I had to hear my name spoken. That was never a nice experience and I would react with anxiety and fear with accompanying inner backchat “oh man, I am in trouble now”. I also remember that to the last minute, only after hearing my name I was hoping, secretly wishing that something will happen and I can still avoid the situation.

So within this I developed the pattern of existing in expectation/anticipation to be called out, awaiting with much strain in my body, time slowed down and I couldn’t see a way out.

So this same pattern remains to this day when participating within any group activities where I am awaiting for my turn, waiting for my name to be spoken out within the sound of “impersonal call” to stand accountable for my part. “But I am not ready, I haven’t done my homework”, “I need more time”, “I swear I will learn the material next time, just let me go off the hook this one last time” – lol, yes I would actually ask that from my teachers.

To be continued

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