This blog is continuation in the series where I take the point of studying as well as approaching any other tasks/assignments in my reality. My initial blog as overview is here: “Day 148: I have never been a good student. Is it too late?”
Here I am continuing with the physical dimension where my thoughts, inner conversations, reactions bring me to the point of physical experiences/actions that I fall into without much awareness of how I got to this point. So here I am looking at the experience of tiredness
Physical Behaviors
Tiredness
Tension in the shoulders and upper back
Heavy/strained/itchy eyes
Looking for other activities
Playing with my lips and fingers
Scratching my eyelids
Physical behavior
Tiredness
Experiencing tiredness before and while studying is something I had and still have quite a lot. Until this moment I have proven to myself beyond the shadow of a doubt that it’s almost all self-inflicted through thinking, unless sometimes it’s real physical tiredness after some very intense day of physical labor. Either way the distinction between the two is obvious and it’s all now up to me to stand within all these moments when I am fooling myself through the mind and say no to the illusion of tiredness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed self-manipulation through the mind processes of thinking, having backchat/inner conversations, imaginations where I create the illusionary experience of tiredness thus sabotaging my self-application within studying
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go through the whole cycle from thought to imagination to backchat to reaction to experiencing tiredness without any awareness thus making it very difficult for myself to stop this experience of tiredness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the whole alternate reality within me separating myself completely from the physical here moment where I allow this alternate/illusionary reality to have power over me by directing my physical actions
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand up within me and say no to the experience of tiredness but instead I acted on the experience as if it is real within that not realizing how each time that I gave in to this experience I was imprinting a new layer of behavior pattern making it more and more difficult for myself to stand from this
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I do have the power to remain here in each moment of breath seeing in detail when my mind is busy creating the experience of tiredness and thus stop this creation before it comes to the point where I feel completely powerless to stop it from playing out
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight and resist the experience of tiredness where I also become angry at myself for allowing this within me, yet instead of directing myself constructively to get out of this experience I stubbornly try to overcome it through continuing the resistance thus sabotaging myself completely
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall on the same point over and over just by believing that I can and I will stand where within this I have never really investigated how actually I create this experience, where does it come from and how it function specifically, thus I was in essence existing in hope that I will change
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my mind an enemy which I have to fight and conquer instead of realizing it is me and the key is to get to know myself intimately and so direct the change from within
I commit myself to establish intimacy with myself where I become aware, within breath, how my mind functions/moves from initial thought manifestation into the end result of physical behavior
I commit myself to stop the separation of me from my energetic experiences where within that separation I approach them in fighting mode and so I commit myself to bring all parts back into one whole and realize that all is me and only through getting to know myself intimately I can produce the desired change that is best for me and best for all
I commit myself to no longer shun away unsupportive experiences within hope that they will disappear but I take the necessary time to investigate closely, utilizing the existing support from desteni material (especially “Heaven’s Journey to Life” Blog), what exactly I am facing and how to approach that with most effectiveness
I commit myself to daily writing and within that investigation of who I am in my mind relationship to the physical where I get know my patterns and how they lead me to experiences of giving up on my responsibilities in this physical reality
I commit myself to do whatever it takes to bring myself to the point where I am consistent and effective within my physical practical application of studying as well as any other task/assignments must be accomplished in my reality
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Arvydas' Journey to Life 