wake-up

Day 220: Hope is a Deadly Disease with Long-term Effects

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It’s all been fine up to the moment where I heard a personal announcement at work congratulating me with the 30th birthday. Only here it dawned on me the fact that time is passing by and that it’s passing rather quickly. It made me think about my life and what I am actually doing with it. It became very obvious that I have been living more in a dream world where hope is the primary tool to keep myself moving from one day to the other. Still the reality, sooner or later, rather sooner than later, comes knocking on the door attempting to produce a waking effect and to make one ask some questions, like

“oh boy, where was I for the last 5 or 10 years,?” not speaking about the years before that

What was I doing with my life? Have I produced any significant changes? Have I ever stood up for something throughout my life or just hoped that I will watching the movies about superheroes and great people of the past and present? Who am I really and what the totality of my actions have to tell about who I really am?

I am sure all the people at some points in life get these realizations about the actual emptiness of their lives. Maybe that’s what is called the midlife crisis. The point is whether something is done about it or is it simply brushed aside where one is satisfied with knowing that other people also went through this midlife dis-ease at some point and they got over it, so I have to get over it as well, it will pass, I’ll just work hard to stand up from this and I‘ll find a way to shut my eyes and ears effectively and so continue my meaningless existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not get absolutely angry with myself seeing that I have spent almost half of my life without producing any truly significant self-directive change in what I can see is meaningless and ineffective lifestyle that is in not challenging the current system of abuse effectively enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life being too much scared to become a being that visibly stands for life speaking up against the status quo

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for means and methods to not see, feel or experience the atrocious truth of this reality that most of the earth’s beings are experiencing each day while I am waiting in hope for myself to stand up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and CON-vince myself that I am doing enough while clearly knowing and realizing that it is not so and within that thus manifesting the experience of guilt that is trapping me from becoming stable and effective participant in the process of producing real change

“And do Not let your Fear and your Attachment to the ‘Goods’, the Possessions, and the Inconveniences – or shall we rather say the ‘Conveniences’, that makes your life ‘easy’ – Stand in your Way.” – Creation’s Journey To Life

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the commitments and to not utilize the structures of correction that I have designed for myself during the process of writing and through simple realizations because they were interfering with the comfortable lifestyle that I created for myself and didn’t want to let go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent of programming that determines every actions, decision I make and because of that I did not put enough effort to create the structure that would be truly practical in creating the change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the idea within myself that I am not good with structure and constantly repeat that statement to myself thus creating the excuse to not change and thus basically create this sneaky way to hold on to that which I like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the above statement I demonstrate and perpetuate the existent belief that people cannot change because I cannot change and within that look for confirmations to sustain this believe and feel great about the “falling” of others – all in the name of ME in order to remain who I believe this ME is

I commit myself to fuel the anger within me for all that has been accepted and allowed in this reality in the name of self-interest and to utilize this anger to change myself

I commit myself to no longer allow fear to dictate how I live this life within the realization that there is nothing of value to lose as the current state of the world reveals the dignity of human has been lost long ago

I commit myself to stop hope as the evidence is already here for me to prove that it has never worked and cannot work without self-directive action to create and produce real change

I commit myself to watch closely every decision that I make where I realize that in each decision I can actually see the future as mathematical equation of 1+1 answering myself within that the questions of what it will be – will it be the victory of self-interest or a new world that is best for all

I commit myself to investigate each aspect of my existent personalities towards which I am still attaching some value and do not want to let go and thus make a decision through realizing and understanding the simplicity of this design – ALL has to be gone before the new can come

I commit myself to no longer hold on to the self- limiting believes and focus more on the path already walked by myself and others where it is proven that change is actually possible

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Day 161: Hearing my Name is a Wake-Up call

Arvydas1 Comment

 

This a continuation from yesterdays Blog “Day 160: My Name spoken – memory of school”

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear, to this day, of hearing my name being called in a neutral/impersonal tonality like it was done when I was at the school and where the teachers would call me during the class to show homework or do some test in front of the class

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide in all ways possible from my teachers during class activities so I could avoid being called out thus existing in constant fear and anticipation of hearing my name spoken

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anxiety, irritation, disbelief, anger when I would hear my name spoken because I was never prepared for my lessons

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider school as important where all I cared about was playing and having fun with other boys

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for trying to force me to study where within that I created resistance to learning and was avoiding it by all means thus never being actually prepared for classes which as a consequence caused the fear of being called out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that life in this system is not just about having fun instead of understanding that there are things that must be done in this physical world to thus have a sustainable future

 

This is a note for all parents to realize that from early years the child must be taught the simplicity of living in this reality. Meaning that the parents responsibility is to explain and show how the reality works, what needs to be done for the “wheels to turn” so to speak. And surely if the child, from early years, learns to live according to this pattern of dividing time into practical caring of the physical and into the time for enjoyment – there should be no problem when the child grows up as he will be already functionally prepared.

Looking back at my younger years I always believed that I was very lucky and that my parents were one of the best because they allowed me absolute freedom to run wild for days and days without having any other duties, just maybe clean my own room, which took 15 min a week. Other than that I was free to roam the nearby forests and ponds exploring and enjoying myself. So obviously the transition from this “freedom” to the school environment was rather difficult as I was suddenly imposed with obligations that I really didn’t like. So I remember that my mother had to deal with my resistance and without much explanation she just forced me to sit with her by the kitchen table and write write write. So that helped for a while, at least until I learned to lie, pretend and manipulate (by the examples of the grown-ups of course). So from here my reality became again one of pure enjoyment and fun only with these damned periods of 45 min (classes) that I was obliged to attend in fear, because I mean in the streets I wasn’t learning the material that they were asking me. So these periods were all potentially dangerous for me to get in trouble and be exposed for what I have not done.

So Here the equation developed: Authority calling my name = I am in trouble

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never have learned what it means to stand with responsibilities and commitments in relation to my world and instead existed in constant self-interest worrying only about my experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the world and how the world really functions into my personal bubble of feel good experiences and within that having this little fear always present in the corner of getting a call from reality – Arvydai! in this neutral, impersonal tonality reminding me that I am not the only one existing here on this earth and that there are certain responsibilities I have to take care as an equal member of this system

 

Thus I commit myself to see, realize and understand my relationship with this reality and be aware at all times what role I am plying and what is my responsibility as who I am as a single cell among all cells that are here constituting the totality of the organism called earth

I commit myself to step out of self-interest bubble that I believed is my right to possess and thus realize that the existence of this bubble is only possible through having energy that is extracted from the earth and that if I am not the one doing it then it means someone else is doing it for me and I am only existing as a leach feeding of others labor

I commit myself to remove the fear of hearing my name by taking responsibility for my world where in each moment I can exist in full knowing and self-trust that there is nothing to be feared as I am doing my part of work in this physical practical reality

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Day 156: Physical Dimension – Tiredness

ArvydasLeave a comment

This blog is continuation in the series where I take the point of studying as well as approaching any other tasks/assignments in my reality. My initial blog as overview is here: “Day 148: I have never been a good student. Is it too late?”

Here I am continuing with the physical dimension where my thoughts, inner conversations, reactions bring me to the point of physical experiences/actions that I fall into without much awareness of how I got to this point. So here I am looking at the experience of tiredness

 

Physical Behaviors

Tiredness

Tension in the shoulders and upper back

Heavy/strained/itchy eyes

Looking for other activities

Playing with my lips and fingers

Scratching my eyelids

 

Physical behavior

Tiredness

Experiencing tiredness before and while studying is something I had and still have quite a lot. Until this moment I have proven to myself beyond the shadow of a doubt that it’s almost all self-inflicted through thinking, unless sometimes it’s real physical tiredness after some very intense day of physical labor. Either way the distinction between the two is obvious and it’s all now up to me to stand within all these moments when I am fooling myself through the mind and say no to the illusion of tiredness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed self-manipulation through the mind  processes of thinking, having backchat/inner conversations, imaginations where I create the illusionary experience of tiredness thus sabotaging my self-application within studying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go through the whole cycle from thought to imagination to backchat to reaction to experiencing tiredness without any awareness thus making it very difficult for myself to stop this experience of tiredness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the whole alternate reality within me separating myself completely from the physical here moment where I allow this alternate/illusionary reality to have power over me by directing my physical actions

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand up within me and say no to the experience of tiredness but instead I acted on the experience as if it is real      within that not realizing how each time that I gave in to this experience I was imprinting a new layer of behavior pattern making it more and more difficult for myself to stand from this

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I do have the power to remain here in each moment of breath seeing in detail when my mind is busy creating the experience of tiredness and thus stop this creation before it comes to the point where I feel completely powerless to stop it from playing out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight and resist the experience of tiredness where I also become angry at myself for allowing this within me, yet instead of directing myself constructively to get out of this experience I stubbornly try to overcome it through continuing the resistance thus sabotaging myself completely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall on the same point over and over just by believing that I can and I will stand where within this I have never really investigated how actually I create this experience, where does it come from and how it function specifically, thus I was in essence existing in hope that I will change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my mind an enemy which I have to fight and conquer instead of realizing it is me and the key is to get to know myself intimately and so direct the change from within

 

 

I commit myself to establish intimacy with myself where I become aware, within breath, how my mind functions/moves from initial thought manifestation into the end result of physical behavior

I commit myself to stop the separation of me from my energetic experiences where within that separation I approach them in fighting mode and so I commit myself to bring all parts back into one whole and realize that all is me and only through getting to know myself intimately I can produce the desired change that is best for me and best for all

I commit myself to no longer shun away unsupportive experiences within hope that they will disappear but I take the necessary time to investigate closely, utilizing the existing support from desteni material (especially “Heaven’s Journey to Life” Blog), what exactly I am facing and how to approach that with most effectiveness

I commit myself to daily writing and within that investigation of who I am in my mind relationship to the physical where I get know my patterns and how they lead me to experiences of giving up on my responsibilities in this physical reality

I commit myself to do whatever it takes to bring myself to the point where I am consistent and effective within my physical practical application of studying as well as any other task/assignments must be accomplished in my reality

 

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Day 140: I am less than a system

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Why do I say that? Let’s take a simple example. My work requires of me to work for two weeks a month while the other two weeks I am free from work. While spending the two weeks at work I have a strict schedule to follow where each morning my job starts 7 am straight and is finished in the evening. So within these parameters in order for me to have at least some time to do my own tasks I have established very effective time management with as  little distractions as possible, and also with little sleep hours. So within these two weeks I function like a clock, very specifically and effectively.

The problem starts when I am left on my own, without the systematic guidelines giving me the direction, where my SELF-WILL absolutely determines my whole movement of the day. And so this is where I fall short on my commitment to be as effective as I can. When I look at it now it is definitely a lack of guidelines that would allow me to walk the day in specific steps ensuring the most effective time management. So as this is non-existent in my living application as a consequence my days end up being like -doing everything, yet nothing gets done.

The realization that my self-will is almost nonexistent is very depressing. And here I face a few choices basically – do I allow this lack of will and this consequential depression to consume me and drag me deeper into the pit of many monsters (regret, shame, guilt, self-judgment etc.) – or – do I get pissed off with myself and through becoming angry for these acceptances I stand with absolute commitment to correct myself into becoming as effective as I can be.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require a system with imposed guidelines for me to be effective with time management where without these imposed guidelines I become completely irresponsible/ineffective with my time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist establishing strict schedule for myself during the time I am not at work where this resistance still shows my desire to have a choice in what I want to do with my time and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this choice implies self-interest because otherwise I would not have the resistance to make a schedule that has no space for anything of self-interest/not best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the importance of living my days in absolute specificity being accountable for all my actions breath by breath within the realization that the mind is programmed in absolute specificity and thus I need the same specificity to stand equal to my mind, otherwise I am completely directed and moved by the FORCE of the mind without any understanding what I am actually doing and how to stop it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for instructions from outside instead being a decision maker an thus giving myself the instruction to live a life that utilizes all the potential within me

 

I commit myself to establish the best practical guidelines within my process to thus make sure that the time I have is not wasted but spent in support of life

I commit myself to identify and remove the points of self-interest and so create the best structure of support

I commit myself to realize the importance of breath within everything I do as I can see that this is the key to make sure I walk my reality for REAL